Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
