i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Randomize
