Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Randomize
