My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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