i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
