Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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