Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
i need some magic done to my vagina
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
