i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
