wake up i wanna do it froggy style
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
Randomize
