Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
I think my moral compass just broke
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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