I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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