Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
