i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
