You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
