I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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