your room smells of hookers.
I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
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I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
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I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it