upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit