Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?