I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
21 Porn Stars Confess What Sex Is Really Like On Set
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
19 People That Found Pubes In All The Wrong Places
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah