Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
