Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
As shirtless as possible
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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