pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
