When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
don't judge my taste in strippers
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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