You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
