I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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