Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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