This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
Randomize
