he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I booty called her while she was in labor.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
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