I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
