One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
