well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
