If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
someone owes me an orgasm
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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