after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
