So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
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