my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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