new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
I stole a fireplace last night.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
We need to get me chipped asap
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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