There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
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Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
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My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
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