he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
