the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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