I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
We had sex on a dog bed..
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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