i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
