Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Randomize
