if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Randomize
