Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Randomize
