OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
The beer is more important than you right now.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
