swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
