Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
