Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
