You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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