I've blown a few things in my day
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
