i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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