bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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