Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Randomize
