it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
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I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
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Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
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