would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
