sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Randomize
