My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
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