The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
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