i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
There r osticjed everywhere
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
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